Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
