just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
