I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
