I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
