some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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