just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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