i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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