i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
