Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
