God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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