She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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