Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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