she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
