Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
