grandma shit on top of the toilet
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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