Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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