you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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