She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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