Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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