he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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