He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
