my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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