I never want to see another naked old woman again.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
