gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize
