Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
