you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
