in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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