I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
