She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
