i just made my gag reflex go away.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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