Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
