hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
