She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
