I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
