Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
