So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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