And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
