I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
