so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
