the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
