I want you more than these girls want KFC
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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