if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
pop tarts are not kleenex
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
