You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
