she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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