Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
