I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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