the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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