my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
