God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
