If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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